Big Springs PTA

Kids get to play and they don't have jobs, but they still have plenty to worry about. Stress from things like school and social situations can feel overwhelming for kids, particularly if they don't have healthy strategies to cope with strong feelings and solve everyday problems. But it's not always easy for parents to know how to connect with a child who's feeling stressed. Here are a few ideas:

Notice out loud. Tell your child when you notice something he or she might be feeling. ("It seems like you're still mad about what happened at the playground"). This shouldn't sound like an accusation (as in, "OK, what happened now? Are you still mad about that?") or put a child on the spot. It's just a casual observation that you're interested in hearing more about your child's concern.

Listen to your child. Ask your child to tell you what's wrong. Listen attentively and calmly with interest, patience, openness, and caring. Avoid any urge to judge, blame, lecture, or say what you think your child should have done instead. The idea is to let your child's concerns (and feelings) be heard. Try to get the whole story by asking questions like "And then what happened?" Take your time. And let your child take his or her time, too.  

Comment briefly on the feelings you think your child was experiencing. For example, you might say "That must have been upsetting," "No wonder you felt mad when they wouldn't let you in the game," or "That must have seemed unfair to you." Doing this shows that you understand what your child felt, why, and that you care. Feeling understood and listened to helps your child feel connected to you, and that is especially important in times of stress.  

Put a label on it. Many kids do not yet have words for their feelings. If your child seems angry or frustrated, use those words to help him or her learn to identify the emotions by name. Putting feelings into words helps your child communicate and develop emotional awareness — the ability to recognize his or her own emotional states. A child who can do so is less likely to reach the behavioral boiling point where strong emotions get demonstrated through behaviors rather than communicated with words.  

Help your child think of things to do. Suggest activities your child can do to feel better now and to solve the problem at hand. Encourage your child to think of a couple of ideas. You can get the brainstorm started if necessary, but don't do all the work. Your child's active participation will build confidence. Support the good ideas and add to them as needed. Ask, "How do you think this will work?" Sometimes talking and listening and feeling understood is all that's needed to help a child's frustrations begin to melt away. Other times try changing the subject and moving on to something more positive and relaxing. Don't give the problem more attention than it deserves.